10 Great (And Not So Great) Alternatives to Toilet Paper

No one likes to talk about doing the number two in the bathroom, but it’s a fact of life and sometimes you may find yourself out in the boondocks away from civilization without any soft toilet paper to clean your nether regions. Or you may find that your house is completely out of toilet paper, paper towels or other paper products that would do your bum proud. And what that happens, where will you be if you don’t know the 10 things you can use to get your butt crack sparkling clean.

1. Money

The weird thing about this option is that the bills you use to wipe your butt with are probably nastier than what’s in your butt to begin with. Have you seen what bacterial matter and other disgusting microbes scientists find on the average dollar bill? At least after using money you can roll it up, wash it off when you get back to civilization and use it again.


2. A Rock

If you’re out in the wild, there’s a good chance you’ll find some rocks in nature that you can use as a substitute for toilet paper. Now the trick here is to find a smooth rock that won’t do any permanent damage to the crack between  your cheeks, or you’ll just end up having to spend a lot of money on a proctologist, and no one wants that.


3. Socks

You can’t really stand on ceremony when it comes to getting that butt clean, so if you’re in a pinch, take off your socks and go to work. You do need to put the soiled socks somewhere in your backpack when you’re done, though, as you don’t want to offend someone who comes along behind you (pun intended).


4. Leaves

Leaves are plentiful in nature, whether they’re on trees or plants, you can pretty much find them anywhere. Get yourself a bunch of leaves, thick enough to form a cushion when they slide between your cheeks for maximum comfort. And since leaves are biodegradable, you can leave them outdoors and they will become part of the cycle of life or whatever the biological term is for natural degradation.


5. Water

Water is clean, natural and gets the job done without leaving any residue. If you can find a body of water such as a lake, creek, pond or brook, dive in and get to washing. If you aren’t close to a body of water, but you still have some H2O in your canteen, use that to get as much of your butt clean as possible.


6. A Pine Cone

If you can find some pine cones, these make for an outstanding butt cleaner because of their rounded shape and the fact that you can use the pine cone without having to touch any part of your butt, which is a huge deal when it comes to personal hygiene in that region. And like leaves, pine cones are biodegradable, so no worrying about having to pack the dirty cones into your backpack.


7. Banana Peel

This one works well if you’re not lost in the woods somewhere, but you are home and don’t have anything else to use. Most people have bananas in the house, so just peel a banana and use the skin to wipe your butt then throw it in the trash. It’s not the most effective way to clean your butt, but it will get the job done until you get something better.


8. Duct Tape

Duct tape is another good alternative to toilet paper, because it serves a two-fold purpose. The sticky side is effective at getting rid of crustier things in your butt, and the smooth side can do a great job of cleaning without irritating your backside.


9. Sandpaper

Yeah, sandpaper is probably one of those ‘last resort’ types of things, but honestly, if you’re down to nothing at all or sandpaper, which are you gonna choose? Sandpaper isn’t always as rough as you think as it has different grit levels, but you will definitely feel some discomfort as this one is sliding  between your tender cheeks.


10. Cotton Balls

Most guys don’t have any idea why cotton balls were invented. Women use them to remove paint from their toenails and to cleanse their faces, but if you’re in a pinch there’s no rule that says you can’t grab a handful of cotton balls and use them to wipe your rear end. They are soft and gentle, and though a few may get stuck, you probably won’t notice or even care.





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